Nothingness…the space between two thoughts.
Nothingness, pure unbridled nothingness. I did not know what to expect with bufo since I am new to the medicine. I am not a stranger to psychedelic experiences in general, but every medicine has its own agenda. Psilocibin seems to be a free flowing, carefree adventure through whatever you want at the time. A jolly jaunt through the forest of your mind with hallucinogenic fractals to awe and amaze. LSD is a tough and tumble battle with yourself. Regardless of good or bad, angelic or demonic, LSD is more than happy to accompany you through these back alleys of your mind. Salvia was pretty intense for me, but it was all jovial and laughing. Similar to nos and crackers (nitrous oxide), just a bit more intense and fast. Bufo for me was nothingness.
I sat in the space with nervousness in my mind. As I inhaled the vaporized fumes, the nervousness faded. I focused on the breathing exercises we went through before the administration. I focused on the nothingness that was present before me. But wait, wasn’t there supposed to be more? My friend, who journeyed before me, was anything but nothingness. He was having some very vivid and intense expressions of his body and voice. Was this all I was to experience, just this nothingness.
I listened to the music as it was playing near me and my analytical mind was judging the time spent on my back by the number of tracks that were playing. It did not seem like many. I heard the disembodied voices all around me. The facilitator and others chanted and sang with the music, in the darkness of my mind, my eyes closed and covered. It was very comforting. I opened my eyes, glanced beneath the blind-fold and thought, maybe I just got a bad batch. It happens. Then I closed my eyes again and faded back into nothingness.
I had maybe a dozen or so thoughts floating through my mind like clouds through the vast darkness. Buy the ticket, take the ride (my Hunter S. Thompson mantra I used to ready myself for the journey). The space between thoughts…I can be anything I want (a Ram Dass meditation that I love to focus on during meditation). Maybe I got a dud batch, thinking about the Ted Lasso episode when he tried psilocybin tea, but only to mistake his own internal brilliance with that of the medicine. A BBQ sauce induced hallucinogenic experience. The universe does not make mistakes! I am love, I am loved, I am peace. These thoughts, and a few others flowed through the nothingness, multiple times. But there was still just nothingness.
I did not move, I did not feel like I wanted to move, but something kept nagging at the back of my mind. Maybe I am thrashing about and moving too and fro like the other before. Maybe I am disconnected to the point where I don’t know what my body is doing, and I am just going with it. One thought was maybe I should just sit up and say, I don’t think it is working, maybe I need another dose. But I didn’t. I would excuse the thought and get back to the nothingness.
I thought I had meditated, practiced mindfulness, and breathwork for decades. Perhaps that is what I am experiencing. Where I need to be, with my practice. With myself, in the field of nothingness. No god to talk to, because I have already come to the understanding that I am god, we all are. We are all in complete control over our lives, our destinies, and our experiences. The nothingness is god, it is the truth, the love, the peace. Sometimes my breathing was in rhythm with the music. Sometimes I felt like humming or doing an Om to the beat. It felt good and natural, mellow, nothingness.
I opened my eyes again, peeked under the blindfold through the window at the sky and the light strip above. Man, it must have only been 15 to 20 minutes, but my lower back is starting to hurt and I just felt a gentle feather across my hands. Perhaps I am coming to the end of my experience. The feather seemed to come towards the end of my friend’s journey. No, it has not been long enough. I am going to fade back into the nothingness for a little while. Maybe put my feet on the earth and bend my knees to alleviate some pain from my lower back. The good ol’ pain that I know and have grown to accept. Just a part of getting old. Back to the nothingness.
Another feather, another track, and a voice, “how are you doing Rex.” “I am good, just mellow,” I replied. Perhaps it is over. Time to step away from the nothingness and sit up. I did not know what to expect going in. My mind built this up to be this crazy visceral experience. It was not. It was mellow. It was relaxing. It was me being with myself. It was adjacent to some zen meditation retreats that I have done, but shorter. It was nothingness.
I sit up. Look around and smile. I smiled most of the journey. I thought about the Bali form of meditation I learned from the book Eat Pray Love. When you meditate, you should smile because then the good energy and the good spirits are welcomed by your presence and not scared away by the scowl. So I smiled. I chuckled a little. I asked, how long has it been. My mind thought it was only about 20-25 minutes tops. The facilitator said, “It has been about 45 minutes.” Oh wow, there is that time dilation that I hear about with other bufo experiences. My back and my body definitely confirmed the time I was lying on the ground though. But it was fine. I embraced the nothingness and got up from the seat. My body and my mind did not ever seem to part, so I did not have any dizziness, no discombobulation, no vertigo, nothing affecting my balance. Perhaps I was just laying down long enough for everything to come in, do its job, and leave.
I asked my friends around me. Did I look peaceful, was I still or was I moving. I was very peaceful, I was very still. I did not move, I just was. It seemed everything I experienced during the journey was exactly what I thought. I asked my friend who went before me if he knew he was thrashing about, and doing bridge poses, and all sorts of other movements. He said, yes he knew exactly what he was doing, but he did not have any control over it. He let himself go, and thought I am putting on a hell of a show for everyone around. We chuckled a bit.
My intention was simple. I did use a technique called a thought form, or in Chi practice, the golden pearl, when setting my intention. I just pictured golden light going from the top of my head into my heart center (tipareth). I did that a few times, then breathed the golden energy through my arms into my hands into the objects that I was setting my intention into. First the tobacco leaf, and then into the medicine itself. Breathing in the golden energy and the intention of getting unstuck. Moving forward.
After doing some integration and some morning meditation the next day. Everything started to become clear. I was unstuck, I was moving forward. Perhaps it was not how I imagined it, but it was forward progress. It is about being patient and letting the things that are supposed to happen, just happen. It is about dealing with situations as they arise. Not really about setting and sticking to goals, but just being ready for everything that is coming. Being open and accepting of new and possibly uncomfortable situations. Move forward, grow mushrooms, talk about my projects, invite others into what I am doing, be honest and truthful, and always, above all, be love.
Another thought I had during the experience was, if I wanted to do it, I could achieve this level of nothingness everyday in meditation. As I meditated the next morning. I knew that thought was absolutely correct. I went through my normal morning meditation routine (which I admit I have been slacking on lately). I did a little bit of a more extensive tarot draw for myself, which opened my eyes to some stuff. I read the passage called Wisdom from the Heart of Awareness Gita. I meditated on a couple of my favorite meditations, Ram Dass’ Heart Alchemy and Sitting around the fire. I felt the emotions arise. I felt the words come in and soothe. I felt the nothingness I experienced in my journey. That normal, everyday nothingness I can experience through meditation or mindfulness. That was the gift I got from Bufo. The gift of nothingness, ever present and peaceful nothingness.
I do not need anything, because I already have it all. I do not need to feel loneliness, because how could I possibly be alone? I do not need to doubt, because I already know. The confusion comes from saying I do not know, but deep down in my heart, I know. Very simple, timeless teachings that have passed from guru’s lips to student’s ears for thousands of years. Such a simple and beautiful teaching. That was bufo, that was the gift from my intentions. I do not need to do anything, because I am already doing everything. Just keep going. Keep moving forward. How many more signs and signals do I need (there have been many), that I am doing everything I need to do. Just be, just embrace the nothingness. Like my new favorite shirt says. “We are all gonna die.“